January 5, 2001

How to win an Oscar

This was inspired by a thread at the Home Theater Forum.  Many were wondering why the movie "The Sweet Hereafter" never got the recognition it deserved at Oscar time.  This editorial contains general instructions on how to create an Oscar winning picture from scratch based on tried and true formulas that have been exploited for years.  This plan assumes I have managed to open my own production studio so that I could finally make the kind of movies I want to watch.

Yes, this editorial is highly cynical.  But ever since "Shakespeare In Love" won the Best Picture Oscar, I always felt something sinister was going on backstage.  And after viewing a few investigative reports and documentaries on what is really going on behind closed doors, I finally figured out the basics behind the whole operation.

The "proxy" studio

Now since my studio will not be an independent studio under the control of the major Hollywood entertainment factories, I'll have to locate another Hollywood controlled studio willing to participate in a co-production. This operation requires working with this "proxy" studio on a few decent pictures prior to delivering the "Oscar" formulated picture. I may lose some control with the dummy releases, but generally those movies will be the type of movies that brings in the necessary cash to keep the proxy studio interested in pursuing the business relation. The movies themselves will be pretty much basic "formula" pictures that have no real chance to clinch the "Best Picture" nomination, but might get a few side nominations along the way.

What's important here is that the proxy studio must be either American or British owned. Everything else is considered "foreign" and will not advance our cause. The Academy is so against movies coming from anywhere else in the world that they have created the token "Best Foreign Film" category mainly to appease the cries of protest. 

The screenplay

Now an Oscar winning story is more or less easy enough to conceive. First of all, the ending must have an ambiguous "happy" ending which delivers an important moral message. The principle characters must still have a chance at a happy life even if they may have lost the farm during the course of the movie. Examples of this phenomena include "Ghandi" where even if Ghandi is assassinated, India has at least become an independent nation. Another example: "Shakespeare In Love" where despite the threat of being practically "banished" from the kingdom, at least the two principles have preserved their reputation and Shakespeare can still write his plays.

To this, you add a few plot points as described in Syd Field's books on how to write (and sell) screenplays, throw in a few timely "touching" tear-jerker scenes with some properly choreographed "drama" and some "one-on-one" moments, and you're pretty much there.

The setting

This is very important. Above all else, the setting must be British in nature! It doesn't matter where in the world the movie is played out, everyone must sound like they come from a British university. If the setting is in the United States, only half of the principle characters need to sound British. A complete American cast however is out of the question since this seems to bore the Academy members a bit.

The "plug"

Once the movie is made and released at the end of winter or at the beginning of fall, the work of selling the picture to the Academy voters can truly begin! Note that I won't release the movie in the summer or winter months. Those seasons are reserved exclusively for the blockbuster releases which will quickly be forgotten after everyone realizes just how bad they were. Remember "Godzilla"?  Ick!

So how do I get favourable reviews? Simple! I buy them! Have you ever wondered how all those "blurbs" seem to appear out of nowhere in the movie's advertisement before the opening weekend? You find a lesser-known, "flexible" movie critic who can be convinced to say something nice about your movie before they've even seen it. This is a very common business practice which has plagued the movie industry over the last few years and shows no sign of letting up.

Other methods of plugging the picture include critics' previews presented as part of a "junket" where the critics have easy (and controlled) access to the stars of the picture, free food and drink, and luxury accommodations. Disney does this in a big way every time one of their "family oriented" features is scheduled for nationwide release.

The "massaging" of the Academy voters

The academy voters have now been exposed to the movie in one form or another. The "blurbs" have caught their attention, the crowds coming out of the theatres have enjoyed the movie, and the voters are interested to learn more.

You start with the "mobile" voters who actually leave the house for some fresh air. Organize a private party in some semi-exotic location, all expenses paid. Have a few of the stars from the picture drop by to say "hello" (and somehow manage to sneak through the tight security) and chat with the voters while everyone snacks on canapés and listens to the music from a live string quartet. It's better that the quartet not play any selections from the movie otherwise it would seem like you're trying to buy a few votes.

As for the less mobile voters who never seem to get off their butts, you'll be concentrating your efforts on delivering decent screeners to them along with the traditional "For Your Consideration" advertising in the trade publications. The screeners themselves must be packaged in an attractive case which reflects the personality of the movie you're trying to sell. If the movie deals with poetry, add it to a book of poems. If the movie deals with death, package it in a coffin. Just remember that good taste is always a priority. Don't overdo it!

Final step

Now you wait for the nominations. If your picture doesn't get nominated in the key categories, you can cut out excessive advertising since it will pretty much have no effect on your revenue. However, if your picture gets the type of nominations that encourages the public to come see your movie, advertise that fact right away in the newspapers. If the movie is still in the theatres but is now delegated to the smaller rooms, make a deal with the theatres that they can keep a complete week's worth of box office receipts in exchange for some better exposure. Since attendance will be rather small on the first weekend, you'll get your money back on the following weekend when attendance has gone up a bit.

The purpose here is to keep the momentum going until Oscar night so that once you win the Oscar for Best Picture, you can pretty much negotiate whatever you want when it comes time to release the movie internationally and on video.

And if you do win?

When you show up on the podium, it's vitally important not to waste your time thanking everyone who helped you win the Oscar.  The people who deserve your thanks are the ones who will bring in more business in the future.  They're the only ones that count.  Dump the driftwood right away.

Now you can start working on the next Oscar winning picture!  See you next year!

July 10, 2000

Watch your [BLEEP!]ing language!

Two incidents have happened last week which really got on my nerves.  Within a day apart, I've overheard conversations from two different people riddled with the dreaded "F" word.

Now the problem is not the occasional use of the word itself in everyday conversation.  When things are fucked up, there's no better way to say it.  The word gets to the point as quickly as possible and describes the situation perfectly.  Once you explain why things are so fucked up, the people around you will normally agree with your assessment of the situation.

But when the word is used constantly as an adjective to back up a weak conversation, the whole conversation becomes intolerable!  In one situation, the foul mouth was from a couple of obnoxious young drunks in a métro car!  And one of them was LOUD!  And there were young kids in the same car!  Hello!  McFly!  Is there anybody in there?  That's a great example for the kids you boneheads!

The second incident is a bit more complicated.  I was sitting at the bar in the Montreal Casino's Italian restaurant waiting for my Express lunch when a group of men came in and sat nearby.  Now they were on the whole pretty okay, just a bunch of guys sitting down for a drink before heading off to the baseball game.  Nothing wrong with that.  The problem however was with the conversation that followed.  One of them used "fucking" practically every third word!  And it just didn't stop!  After about a minute, I blocked out the "F" word just to find out what this guy was saying.  He was saying practically nothing of interest!  The conversation was so boring that removing the colourful adjective would have killed the whole conversation outright!

Remembering that drunk in the métro car, I realize he didn't have much to say either.  Just another stupid conversation about girls, the kind you often hear from "mental" virgins.

Why do some people use foul words on a constant basis?  Probably because they have nothing really important to say!  And the more I listen to foul mouthed conversations, the more I realize these people have no communications skills whatsoever!  They simply can't maintain a conversation for any length of time because what they have to say is so meaningless...  The guy in the bar was talking about cables and bolts for crying out loud!  If he stopped swearing for a minute, his friends would probably fall asleep in their beers!

Any person believing the addition of foul language will save their conversation should just drop that idea altogether.  All it does is confirm to everyone else around them that they really have nothing interesting to say.  Plus, many people are offended by foul language of any kind to the point they don't want anything to do with the offender.  What a great career destroyer that can turn out to be just to utter the word "fuck" during a job interview or a big meeting!

So to all you persistent foul-mouthed individuals out there, do us all a big favour.  If you have nothing interesting to say, just shut the fuck up.

June 2, 2000

The Latest Virus Scare: Whose fault is it anyway?

It's weird writing about viruses when my own computer's hard disc was screwed up by a legitimate software package.  But still the latest e-mail scare left me wondering what is this beast we've created.  Who is to blame for the latest "I LOVE YOU" virus? We all are.  We are guilty for not taking security seriously enough to protect us from some sneaky, pissed-off rogue.

Microsoft is guilty for having so may security holes present within their operating system.  Automatic script execution?  HTML and Java support?  Hidden extensions?  Hidden communications?  This was a recipe for disaster.  By creating these "convenience items", Microsoft has created the equivalent of the "unlocked front door".  It's like a banking machine that not only doesn't ask for your PIN number, it doesn't even check if the card is good!

We the users are guilty of gullibility.  We fell for the "convenience items" and accepted them without taking the responsibility for the consequences of a rogue script or executable.  We have in effect "opened the front door" and forgot about it.  It was just a matter of time for someone to notice the open door and take advantage of it.  We blindly trusted every piece of mail that came our way.  We should have been more careful.  It's not like viruses were created just yesterday.  They've existed since Radio Shack first sold the TRS-80 computer twenty years ago and probably before then.  Haven't we learned anything yet?

Another culprit is the existing Internet protocols.  If you know how to communicate with the SENDMAIL protocol which allows you to send mail to others on the Internet, you have the power to send mail to anyone in any shape or form and under a different identity than the one you used to log on to the SENDMAIL protocol.  How could such a hole exist in the first place?  When the Internet was first conceived, it was designed as a network of redundant computers in case of a nuclear attack. If one system went down, another one could take over.  But the protocols themselves were not designed to be overly secure because it was not realized at the time that ordinary people will eventually be using them rampantly.  No verification in most cases, no scrutiny by the applications, no paranoia at all.  Just trust everyone blindly.

It may be time to redesign the whole Internet system itself or at least create a new set of software packages that work off totally different and secure protocols.  It is not difficult for someone to design an application that can communicate between two Internet addresses.  It is just like designing an application that communicates with another application off the serial ports on your computer.  Write something, read something back.  We need to create a series of protocols that not only double-checks what comes into your computer, but ensures nothing goes out that should not leave your computer in the first place.  We also need to create an organization that will be responsible for certifying that these specialized packages do exactly what they're suppose to do and don't try to curtail existing security features.

It is possible to create such an organization.  This is what Java was designed to do.  Along with the specific design criteria and common language elements, Java also has built-in security which all Java engine manufacturers are obliged to respect.  If Sun Microsystems has shown it's possible to accomplish a high level of security with Java, it should also be possible to create the same strict rules for the mail servers, newsgroup servers, Web servers...

The final responsibility will rest on our shoulders.  Once we have these tools, we must commit to using them responsibly.  Everyone must be held accountable for their actions on the Internet otherwise the Internet itself will disappear in a cloud of anarchy within five years.

And all this because we left the door wide open.